in movies, whenever someone is bed ridden and termilally ill, and unresponsive, the family and close friends all gathers 'round, and suddenly the sick person gains strength, gives everyone an "i love you" and a personal message, and then just kinda dies peacefully. that is a bunch of crap. my aunt died last thursday. all her family and friends were gathered around her bed, and then her breathing got really rapid, and then it stopped. and then it started again and was rapid, and then it stopped. and then it came back and was rapid, and she opened her one eye a little, saw my cousin richie, and then said "al. al. al." to call my cousin allison. so we brought her over to that side of the bed, my aunt saw her, and closed her eye again. and then her breathing slowly slowed, until it stopped forever.

i dont know how much i've posted about this in my journal, but my aunt had cancer for 9 years. it started off as breast cancer, went away for 2 years, then came back, and had spread to her bone marrow, and then finally to both lobes in her liver. i guess maybe a year ago, she could walk, and she used a cane on her bad days. and then she started using the cane more and more... and then in december, she had a rod put in her leg to help her walk. and that helped for a little while, but not long enough. she then had to start using a walker. and my stepdad and his father decided to put in a motorised chair lift so she could get up the stairs. by this point, my aunt couldnt really walk at all, and couldnt get out of bed by herself, and couldnt stand and she had to be taken care of all the time. so, one day, my grandma went out and got her a motorized scooter. and it all just went down hill until just last week she was in a bed and unresponsive.

the wake yesterday was okay. there was lots of people there to meet and talk to, so i didnt really have time to be sad. but today... today was bad. i did a reading at the service, and when we got to the cemetary, i cried. i cried so, so much. but i'm not ready to talk about that yet.